One Day
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Jay and Erin finally open up to each other. It's time to be all in with their relationship and have no more secrets. Their pasts will be put on display for the other. Can be stand alone fic or sequel to the twoshot 'Hurt'.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: Hey guys, this is the sequel to the two shot 'Hurt' but you don't need to have read it because it can also be a stand alone. You have been warned, there is a lot of dialogue and truthfully I should have read through it one more time to clean it up but ignore the mistakes if you can :)**

One Day

"You're pushing me away Jay. I can feel it." My voice sounds broken and my hand drops from his arm.

Jay's been cold and distant since he took a phone call at Molly's last night, he woke screaming from nightmares in the early hours of this morning and has barely exchanged a word with me all day unless they were about work.

"You push me away too Erin, now you know how it feels." He tells me bitterly.

"Oh, so this is payback?" My voice betrays me by cracking with hurt.

"No. Of course not Erin... I just. You push me away too. I guess it's how we're built." My eyes sting with unshed tears.

I drop my head to look at my hands avoiding his eyes, which are full of so much pain.

"I became this way after being born into bad news... never having someone I could rely on. Except, eventually Hank. But certainly never a man romantically. This is all new and I try Jay. I really _really_ try. I feel like I'm getting better."

I look up to seek his eyes out, tears betraying me by falling down my cheeks.

"Yeah you try." Jay nods softly at me.

"You're so much better at this than me Jay, emotions and feelings and expressing yourself... I take my cues from you. I learn from you." My hand reaches back to his and I grip it tightly.

"Except on this subject Erin. Afghanistan is locked away inside." Jay bows his head.

"I wish you would let me in." I bring a hand up to rest on his chest, feeling the rapid beating of his heart.

"I want that too, Erin. I've been asking for years. But hurt keeps piling on in your life and it's getting harder to dig you out. You need to deal with some of it." Jays hand reaches for my cheek, his thumb running over my smooth skin once before gently tracing the frown lines on my forehead and then finally resting in my hair.

"You really want to know everything Jay?" I ask unable to keep the anger from creeping into my voice at his hypocrisy.

"Yes Erin. Everything." Jay's blue eyes bore into mine, coaxing out my secrets.

"If I tell you everything you won't look at me the same. You won't love me anymore. I'm sure of it. I'm ashamed of a lot and the way you look at me now... I can't explain it but I don't want to lose it. I can't lose you and if you know everything, I will. You can't handle it. You don't want to hear it."

Tears are pouring down my cheeks and I'm having trouble sucking in fresh air, willing myself to keep the sobs at bay.

"Erin, nothing will change the way I look at you. That will never be different. I will always love you." Jay's eyes are pleading and conveying as much honesty as he can.

"I know you believe that Jay." My eyes drop to the floor.

He kneels in front of me and cradles my face in his hands, making me look at him.

"I love you Erin. Do you hear me? In our time together I've seen and heard plenty of things and I've read your CI file and I still look at you… like you're my whole world. Because you are, and that won't ever change."

Jay places a soft kiss on my forehead before resuming his position staring into my eyes.

"I hate that you have suffered and you continue to suffer. I hate your dad who you don't know and I hate Bunny so much and she shouldn't get the title of mother and I hate everyone who ever took advantage and scarred you. I really hate Charlie for making you think you love him when you were just dependent on him and grateful someone was looking out for you... even when he was looking out for himself. I've never hated anyone like I hate the people who screwed up your life. Because you're beautiful and kind and generous and have so much love to give. Your heart is pure and I'm so lucky to have your love. That won't change."

By the end I'm sobbing into his shoulder, eventually I pull away to look into his eyes.

"What about Afghanistan?" I whisper breaking the moment, needing an escape.

Desperately wanting to turn this around.

"You won't look at me the same either. You can't love me the same."

"Sounds like what I said. I wish I had your words, but I can't express my feelings like you can. But simply put, I fucking love you. More than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I know I will love you until my last breath. Life is short... we see that daily so I need to let you know. I will always look at you like you're my savior. Because you are. I wish I could let you continue in silence, pushing it all down... I wish to God I could continue too. And maybe if it wasn't affecting us... but shit keeps happening that drags us back into our past. We get crushed and we pull away from the other to cope but we need to talk about it. We need to heal and to do that, we need to share with the other."

Jay's trying hard not to cry when I lean my forehead against his as I whisper more promises.

"This can be our safe place. We will share and love and heal. So when things happen that throw us back to a rough time in our life, we can talk about it and it will get easier. We can't keep going like this... it's going to break us and we'll snap. If we don't act, it's going to get worse not better."

"Okay" he whispers quietly shocked by my words.

"Okay" I whisper back.

"I love you." I whisper against his lips before kissing him passionately.

"I love you too. Always." He kisses me again.

"Always." I promise him back.

We share a smile as we get comfortable on the couch.

"I guess I'll go first." My words are shaky and tears want to continue their run down my face.

"I've got you, babe." Jay's hand wraps around mine.

"Okay... growing up Bunny had boyfriends... some thought I was attractive and would make me feel uncomfortable. Some would hit me. I can't remember a time I felt love... I grew up watching Bunny get high and completely forget I existed. Those were the good times... I felt lonely and unimportant." I let out a sob before shaking my head and resolving myself to be strong, thinking back to all the times I used my strength to make it through.

"I felt like I didn't deserve love, but it was still better than when she remembered I existed. She would say horrible things when she was high. Let her boyfriends do horrible things. I remember when I was twelve and going to a school dance in an old dress, her and her boyfriend were drunk and body shamed me. That day I stole a dress from a store, I just wanted to look… feel pretty."

Jay's hand has gradually been getting tighter around mine and his eyes are conflicted, between wanting to offer me looks of support but hidden behind that is rage directed at those who have hurt me.

He looks like he wants to strangle each and every person I'm speaking of and simultaneously reaffirm his love to me and remind me I deserve all the love in the world.

His intense stare speaks volumes.

"It was 4th of July weekend, I was nine and I found Bunny overdosed on the kitchen floor. I knew if I called 911 I would be taken away. So somehow I dragged her into the bath. I don't know how I managed... then I added ice and sat on the floor praying she wake up. I was so scared." My voice cracks and he pulls me into him and kisses my hair.

"She finally woke up and she looks at me... and says 'where's my cigarettes Erin?'" I stop to let out a bitter laugh.

"Baby." Jays voice is barely a whisper as he brings me into his lap.

"When I was 15 she didn't come home for a few weeks, I ended up at a shelter and the lady who ran it was so lovely and caring. I will always remember her and her kindness. But I couldn't stay, I would end up in the system."

I swallow hard and fidget in Jay's lap, not wanting to be in his arms when I open up about the next chapter in my life.

"Not long after that I ended up on the streets, when winter came it was hard. I found Annie... I knew her from when I was younger but we lost touch. I fell into her gang... Charlie took an interest." I feel repulsed at the thought and the things I did for him.

Jay's grip increases and I can almost feel the anger radiating off him.

"Charlie is one lucky son of a bitch he's locked up right now, if he ever comes around here when he's out..." Jay trails off but I know what he's thinking, it's in line with Voights thoughts.

Charlie should be at the bottom of the river.

"Jay, it's not who you are."

"You'd be surprised." I hesitate with the rest of the story but Jay reigns in his anger and focus' back on me.

"He kept me fed and warm and in a Chicago winter I was thankful... he got me hooked on drugs. I always swore I wouldn't after seeing what it did to Bunny but he told me it was that or leave. So I started and I couldn't stop, after a while I needed it to cope with the things Charlie had me doing, to earn some money. We... were together too I suppose. He was with Annie as well and Annie was with... well you know that story." I look up and catch his eyes and he nods at me.

"Then one day Hank was the one to arrest me, I had a record... minor stuff. He worked me as a CI and I needed cash so I went along with it. He grew to have a soft spot for me so he gave me his card and told me if I wanted to get clean and have a different life he would help me get it. But I figured I wouldn't like the strings that came with that offer. I didn't like the strings with Charlie..."

I refuse to meet Jay's eyes, the shame too much.

"A few weeks later I was back with Bunny because she reappeared and I was hopeful maybe it would be different this time. It was good for a few days… then she was craving for a fix one morning, I borrowed money from Hank to get her one and right after I gave it to her, she threw up all over me. The water was shut off so I went to school like that... the teacher thought I was an alcoholic and I copped to it... to protect Bunny." Another bitter laugh escapes my mouth and one of Jay's hands is wrapped tight at my waist and the other clutching my hand, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on it.

"I approached Hank a few weeks later and he took me in, he got me clean, he chased Charlie out of town and he showed me what it was like to have a home. Camille showed me a mum could be selfless. One year she spent her Christmas money on a beautiful dress for me... it was a step up from my rebellious attire and I loved her right in that moment. We made a nice family, I got my education and I joined the academy. I wanted to serve the city that saved me. The city I love."

Jay can sense my opening up is coming to an end tonight.

"But I refused to allow any man into my life in that way, never having serious commitment. I had seen too much. Apart from Hank and Camille who treated each other wonderfully, I didn't feel I was worthy of that love and I didn't want the heartache. Then you came along and... I knew right away this would be different. I fought it at every turn, using Hank and my job as an excuse until I couldn't deny it any longer. Hank didn't want me to get hurt... he could see it was different with you. That you were someone who I could fall for and get hurt by unlike other men in my life... then he realized that this was meant to be and I needed you, so he came around. We got his blessing. I don't take you for granted Jay. I want you to know that. I've never been able to open up to anyone like I have with you. I trust you." I look into his eyes and cry in relief when his look is the same as when the night started.

Full of so much warmth, love and admiration.

"I love you Erin. You are the strongest woman... person, I have ever met. I knew your life was hard but... to hear all that, I'm so proud and thankful you survived and found your way to me. I want to best the crap out of Bunny and Charlie and all of her boyfriends that laid a hand on you. If I ever see them..." he trails off and I lean in for a kiss.

"Thank you for listening and still looking at me the same. Thank you for being here."

"Thank you for telling me." He presses another gentle kiss to my lips.

 **A/N: Leave a review with your thoughts and I will get Part 2 up which is Jay's turn to open up.**

 **I'm working on oneshots for 'A shot heard round the world' and 'You wish', if you have any requests let me know and I'll see what I can do.**

 **Thank you :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: Two updates in one day... I can't help myself haha**

 **There is a lot of dialogue and I apologise for any mistakes, I don't really how how the US military works.**

 **Enjoy.**

One Day Part Two

 _Previously_

 _"I love you Erin. You are the strongest woman... person, I have ever met. I knew your life was hard but... to hear all that, I'm so proud and thankful you survived and found your way to me. I want to best the crap out of Bunny and Charlie and all of her boyfriends that laid a hand on you. If I ever see them..." he trails off and I lean in for a kiss._

 _"Thank you for listening and still looking at me the same. Thank you for being here."_

 _"Thank you for telling me." He presses another gentle kiss to my lips._

"I guess it's my turn…" I shift slightly in Jay's lap trying to seek out his eyes that have suddenly found our legs interesting.

"I would like to be here for you... if you're ready." I gently let him know that he can back out and I won't hold it against him.

"You know the call I got last night? At Molly's?" Jays voice is hesitant and quiet and I can see the torture on his face and the angst filling his eyes.

"Yeah." My voice is barely a whisper, terrified if I speak too loud the spell will be broken and he will continue to bury his feelings and memories.

"I got a call from a buddy's wife, I served with him overseas…" Jay's eyes are full of tears and his face contorts in pain.

My heart is broken watching Jay struggle with his pain.

"He's been having some problems since he got back from his last tour… he committed suicide." Jay closes his eyes to gather his thoughts.

"Oh, baby. I'm so sorry." My hand reaches out to cradle Jay's face.

"I should have tried harder with him, I've been so caught up in my own life that I couldn't see the extent of his pain. I couldn't see how much he was struggling, I didn't see the toll this last tour took on him." Tears are streaming Jay's face

"Babe, you can't blame yourself for this. It's horrible and tragic but he wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

"He saved my ass so many times when we served together. He was this really good guy, had this sense of humour that could have the whole unit cracking up, no matter what we were facing."

"He sounds like a good man, Jay. When is the funeral?" I ask wiping the tears from his cheeks.

"Not sure, she said she would let me know."

"We should do." I tell him gently.

"You'd come?" His voice holds shock and uncertainty.

"Of course." I whisper back.

"Thank you, but you don't have to." Jay flashes a barely there smile.

"I wouldn't be anywhere else." I promise sincerely.

There is silence for a few moments as we listen to the other breathing.

"How were you when you first got back?" I almost don't ask; hesitant of the response I'll receive.

"Not in a good way." His tone and reply his short.

"Did you ever consider…" I trail off not able to finish the sentence, afraid of the answer.

"No. I struggled with the loss of good men and women when I got back. I was here and they weren't… I took it out on those around me. I was willing and able to continue fighting, saving lives but here I was. That added to my guilt, but my mum had cancer and no one else was around. I had to be there for her so I didn't sign on for another tour. After some time and help working through things with others who had returned I got a lot better. I had to be there for my mum, the cancer treatment was hard on her, she was what I focused on during the bad days."

"I had to keep reminding myself that those who died gave up their lives for me to live mine and I wasn't doing them any justice lashing out and feeling sorry for myself." I place a kiss on Jay's forehead.

Jay removes my hand from his face and instead laces our hands together and plays with them as he continues his story.

"When I wanted to sign up for the military I remember my dad saying all sorts of degrading things. He said I was abandoning my family and I was a disappointment... 'Halsteads are meant for more. To be Doctors or lawyers, something important' he would tell me growing up; nothing I ever did was good enough. I don't know if I joined out of spite in the end or because I wanted to. But I know I served my country and I wouldn't take any of it back. It's who I am and I'm proud of serving..."

I give Jay's hand a squeeze, encouraging him to continue.

"There are days from my tours I regret and memories I wish would fade. When I came back the first time tension in our family was high... I had my mum and we spent time together before I was deployed again. When I was gone I found out she was diagnosed with cancer. Will couldn't deal so he ran off to New York to party it up and be a plastic surgeon. Dad bailed..." jays hands ball into tight fists and I rub my thumb over his hand soothingly.

"When I finally could come back she was very sick and it was just me and her. I was devastated when we found out she only had months to live... nothing more they could do. I took care of her, I pushed my nightmares away to be the boy she raised and I was with her until the end. But then I didn't have any distractions. I didn't have any reason to keep my demons at bay. All my life I felt like a disappointment to my father and when I got back he didn't even reach out. Will didn't reach out. I arranged the funeral and afterwards I fell apart. Mouse was there for me and he helped me through the worst of it. Then he deployed again and I joined the academy. I wanted another purpose and I wanted to use my skills and protect the city I love. When mouse came back... it had done to him what it did to me. I was there for him like he was for me and he got a little better... but then he gave up and we fell out of touch for a while."

Jays head bows in shame and I remove my hand from his to run through his messy hair before resting it there at the back of his neck.

"When I think of my time away I feel guilt about all the men and women... my brothers and sisters who didn't come back with me. Wives and mothers and husbands and dads... kids who lost their loved ones and yet I'm here. I've been to too many funerals and seen so much death." Jay closes his eyes as he continues with his story.

"There wasn't a day without a firefight, but they didn't scare me. It was coming home, having to look into the faces of the families of those that didn't make it back." The guilt weighing on him is obvious on his face and in his posture.

"I can still hear the gunfire when I close my eyes, see severed heads and tortured men and women. Hear screams in agony. I'm not sure if the screams are mine or theirs... Maybe both." The intensity in which Jay is beating himself up makes my heart jump to my throat.

"I have a lot of good days now, even more since I met you. I have less nightmares than I use to have... the action at work doesn't get to me. Cases do though... sometimes they trigger memories.

Most of the lives I took over there don't haunt me but some... some do. I don't like to talk about my confirmed kills, but it was high. A lot of blood on my hands. I had days where I would perch with a sniper rifle to protect the troops on the ground. I had days when we would breach compounds and houses and chase down high value targets. Erin, you won't look at me the same after the next part."

I jolt back into the present when he mentions my name.

"I love you Jay, you can tell me. Let me help you carry this." My hand is over his heart.

"In my first tour, I saw a boy through my rifle, he was maybe twelve walking towards a convoy of marines. He had a grenade and I waited and prayed he would put it down but he started running so I had no choice. Pulling that trigger was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, his mother came out of the shadows screaming and picked it up… I had to… I did horrible things. Those faces won't leave me. It was them or the marines. I did my job but… it rattled me but I found a way to live with it because even if he was twelve and forced into this life he was going to kill our troops."

Tears are streaming down Jay's face too fast to wipe away and the shock and sadness that grips me shakes me to my core.

I'm frozen, despite always knowing deep down that it was possible Jay experienced the horror of taking the life of a child, it's different to hear this confirmed. His emotions during a case involving a child and the closed off look he gets makes so much sense, the guilt eats away at him. He sees the lives of those he took when he looks at young victims on the streets in Chicago.

"The day that still haunts me, it won't leave me alone. It wrecked me. There is a day that haunts me the most… I will never forget it… My unit walked into a trap to get one of our own back and take down a high value target... we breached the compound and there was so much screaming. Our men were screaming at women and children to get down and out of the way and seperating the men on the ground away from them, firing at those who wouldn't go down without a fight. One of their guys opened fire on a man in our unit and I shot at him… he used his son as a shield. I found a way to cope with the other because it saved lives, this one… he was just a boy. He bled out and died, I tried to save him but I couldn't stop the bleeding. I've never seen such evil, and I played a part in it. I can still hear the screams of his mother… crying over his body."

Jay begins sobbing and leans forward and covers his forehead and eyes with his right hand.

His sobs rack even my body with the force and I gently pry his hand away from his eyes before pulling his head into my chest, his tears instantly soaking my chest.

"I'm so sorry baby. I've got you." I place a kiss on his head before running my hands through his hair and down his back.

"Those deaths torment me, how could I…" His voice is full of pain and muffled by my shirt and his sobs are so intense and I just want to take his pain away.

"You did what you had to do. You saved men and women so they could come back to their loved ones, you served your country. I'm sorry you have this pain and I wish I could help you. Let me help you carry it. I'm right here. I'm always right here… anytime of the day. You just tell me what you need. To talk… to be held. To sit in silence, whatever you need. I've got you."

I hold him tighter for five minutes as his sobs work there way out of his body until he's just sniffling.

It's eerie and silent and I can tell he's terrified to face me; I reach my hand out to trace the side of his face.

"Jay." I whisper gently hoping he will look at me.

My hands grabs his cheeks and turn his face to me, I move my head until our eyes connect.

Once he sees my look hasn't chance, still very much full of love more tears fall and his head falls back onto my shoulder to sob.

"Let it out Jay. I love you. You're ok. You're ok." I rock him gently and run my hands through his hair over and over.

Once he calms down, he looks up at me again still unsure of how I could possibly love him after the stories he's shared. The parts of himself he has let me see.

"I love you Jay. You served your country, you did us all proud. I'm sorry you lost so many good men and women and that nightmares still grip you. What you carry is real and I'm here. Always." I kiss him gently on the lips.

"Your dad was wrong. You were always amazing and I'm thankful your mum raised such an amazing, kind and good man who I love so much. I wish I could have met her... But I know she would be so proud of the man you are. You saved lives overseas and you continue to save lives here and get justice for those who need it. Be proud of that, you don't need to be a doctor or something else 'important'... If I ever meet your dad…" I trail off not wanting to move too far off topic.

"You risked your life for this country and you risked so much more than that... it took a toll on you emotionally and mentally. You make a difference everyday, Jay. Your father was wrong… and quite frankly a dickhead. He left your mother alone... he left you alone with her. I wish I knew you then… wish I was there for you." I shake my head trying to dissipate my anger.

"You are such a good man and I'm so lucky to have you." I whisper as his blue eyes come up to meet mine.

We share another kiss and he shifts me around on his lap until I'm straddling him. We kiss deeply and passionately and full of so much love.

He picks me up and carries me to our bedroom; he places me on the edge of the bed as I work on his belt buckle.

We continue to undress each other slowly and sensually letting the tension build.

He trails kisses down my neck declaring his love for me in whispered words.

My response is breathy but he smiles when he hears my own declarations.

When our bodies connect, we gasp at the feeling. It's unlike any other time, it's almost like our nerve endings are standing on end and every touch sends me over the edge.

Our love making is more intense now that our emotional barriers are down and we have shared the worst of ourselves with each other.

He worships my body with love and acceptance, telling me I deserve love. I deserve his love.

I caress his body in return letting him know his sins have been washed away, his goodness shines bright into the night.

We come together and whisper our love again, sharing smiles as our eyes shine intensely.

 **A/N: Leave a review with your thoughts :-)**

 **I'm thinking of writing a oneshot following the episode where Annie asks Erin what's holding her back from leaving Chicago. We all know it's Jay. Let me know if that's something you would want to read?**

 **I also have two prompts I'm working on, they are coming. I promise. I've started them :-) You know who you are ;-)**

 **Lexi**


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